I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
