He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
