You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
