you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
