dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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