I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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