she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
