She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
