you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
