there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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