I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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