i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
