Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
