theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
