My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
