My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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