Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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