i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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