I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
