Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
