@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I didn't notice because vodka
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
