Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
