I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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