Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
