can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
