nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
