can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
