this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
