this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
