Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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