she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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