Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
