Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
