Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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