the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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