You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
