But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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