why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
