Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
