i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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