a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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