i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
