I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
