Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
