the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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