you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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