When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
