Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
