did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
