I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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