so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
