The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
