My liver just broke up with me...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
